you squeezed
the juice drop
into my mouth:
tantalizingly sweet.
selfish.
that was all you gave
when before
you promised me
an orange.
Saturday, December 3, 2005
not from concentrate.
Thursday, December 1, 2005
an ax to grind.
i am soft wood
your prized possession.
against your palm i rest
while you make your decision.
you gently whittle away
in the dark.it's the best time, you say.
shaping me the way you want me to be:
and for you darling, anything
an outlet, a plug
the spout of your water bottle
the raspberries of your mouth
your snuff jar
and your jam box
the graceful arch of a neck.
not mine, but someone else's.
the exit sign.
until you've gently whittled me all away
until you finally get what you want
a stick
a pick
and with a flick
we take the morsel away.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
exhuming ophelia.
it was all
constellated squabble
the marks on his hand-
i still remember.
the staring game
i never lost.
the unblinking eyes
are claimed winner:
the crowds
murmur and whisper
as she walks
to the stand
to be judged.
all hail
the damned infernal lover.
in the penalty box.
the christmas songs are playing and the decorations are slowly finding their way to the front porch and the family room. there's a bucket of triple crown cookie dough in the freezer waiting to be baked and a tin of holiday cookie cutters just waiting for me and A to be broken in. in a week and a half my exams will be done and i will finally be a free woman. i have a semi to attend and to dress up for and a bunch of christmas gatherings and dinners lined up.
but somehow it seems more lonesome this year. i think that i may have gone backwards instead of forwards...and whatever i've learned this summer may have all gone to waste. it's easier for some people to say that it's just the idea that makes it different. the emotional detritus is finding its way back...the catch basin must be dextrosed to my arm. there's just no vulnerary remedy. and here i am making it worse by writing/typing away and masochistically renting loveydovey movies. i might just raid the fruit bowl.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
deafeningly stupid.
the things you say just reach their ears and dissipate before they get to the brain for further processing.
i would like to propose a toast to the stupid men of the world. congratulations. you have successfully made our lives a living hell.
i, melissa.
i am misjudged quite often
but have just started to realize
the whole futility
of defending and vindicating myself.
this month is a month of reversion-
a regression to my old self:
my hand paralyzed in fear, unable to raise itself in class,
being my uncontrollable temperamental bitchy self
procrastinator and jack of all trades-
i leave things i have to do at the last minute
and do everything else i'm not supposed to perfectly.
there never seems to be anymore money left in my card,
where does it all go? you wonder.
but we know exactly where it goes.
in the closet and in the stomach.
staring out the window again or into space
waiting and expecting and dreaming.
a month of new discoveries-
my newfound appreciation for english drama
and for the playwrights who embraced their grief
and turned it into art
discovering the inner beauty of people
and the dull sheen of the gold in others
mr noodles as the veritable meal
for the struggling hungry university student
viva as the most comfortable bus and busride ever
capers are salty but really good
with smoked salmon omelette.
that my cat, no matter how much he wants to stay outside
will always come running back.
and that however much j'essaie d'oublier,
c'est impossible.
Monday, November 21, 2005
table manners.
the glass slides towards the edge of the kitchen table
it was headed that way anyway.
ill-used and chipped in some places,
its porcelain sheen gone a long time ago
looks more jaded now than that shade of green.
a receptacle of dirty watered down dreams and stale juicy secrets
sold as its own set
tragically and sadly unique
yet as common as the common whore.
but the glass moves on its own.
not just one hand, but millions of taunting hands guide it.
as a lighthouse calls the boats to safety,
they usher it to its final escape.
just a bit further. a bit more. there.
the tiles look inviting from here.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
the eternal plane ride.
i could see you from outside
my heart pounding as i watched you
ring the bell
i opened the door and you stepped inside
and you drew me close to you
i don't know if it was in your eyes
in your touch
or in your manner of speaking
because i saw through the affectation
and realized that
when you left
you never came back.
Friday, October 21, 2005
descriptive conjugation.
the moon spills its milk
in the dark
illuminating our intertwined fingers
until we're no longer just a sentence,
but the purest form,
the smallest meaningful unit,
no strings attached
an act of simple resonance
a morpheme.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
forgive us our trespasses.
i apologize
for failing to recognize
the honor and beauty of your profession,
for sticking up my middle finger when you made me late,
for cursing your existence and purpose
in this world,
for shuddering when you came home with dirt in your finger nails,
for resenting you while the others were clean-shaven and suited,
for refusing to listen:
what for. you're merely a hole-maker.
you must have wanted to bury yourself alive
for now as i watch them lower you down into the ground
i realize that i've already dug that hole for you
a long time ago.
hand over the shovel and give me my turn,
let me now scratch the surface;
absolve me of my pride.
Monday, October 17, 2005
reciprocity for as long as we both shall live.
we'll dance
in dimly-lit church basements
to the classics of our time
with a 50-year old disco ball hovering over us.
and i'll remember back in the day
when i sat and watched
and smiledat the exchanges of existence
as if they were all alone,
as they swirled to the music
unaware of the sighing watchful eye.
this will be our happiness:
built by dinner dances in basements,
quiet restaurants with torn leather seats,
moonlight patio dinners,walks in the fall,
good mornings and good nights,
kisses and raspberries,
and a word unspoken but often understood,
and a look that forever redeems.
and as we slowly amble back
to our white plastic chairs
you'll look down at me,
smile and say,
we've still got it.
and i'll lightly punch you jokingly,
as i've always had:
yes indeed.
Friday, October 14, 2005
moi, renversée.
a whisper
spreads a thousand beads
across my spine
my toes
until i have to breathe
quietly
softly
suppressing, repressing
so the tell-tale
oohlala
won't escape my chest,
my mouth,
into your ears
so that your eyes
keep me unfocused.
Saturday, October 8, 2005
to the ones who cry.
i am a patch of green grass, you say.
trodded on but overlooked.
you are, but at least you are not squares of green, lush sod. so appealing but manufactured by the hundreds, a conveyor belt product of the milieu.
realistically artificial.
whereas you, the lone patch, rise up and grow towards the heat of the sun.
you beautify and glorify the vast barren dry. you go unnoticed but are significant.
and one day you will be found...
and that loneliness and preservation that you have undergone throughout your life will be cultivated.
love yourself, patch of green.
for it is through suffering that we find the artist within us,
it is through our loneliness that we become stronger,
and it is through these changes we become more beautiful,
and it is through this interior beauty we are found.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
free-writing.
"it's when you put a pencil in your hand and put the pencil to a paper and you just start writing...you don't think about what you're writing...you don't read over what you're writing...you just keep your hand moving."
boy, what could you be doing right now? my future best friend. who could you be? are you sleeping? are you studying? are you looking for me too? are you waiting just as patiently and impatiently as i am?
the moon sees both of us and nods. all will be right with the world in no time, it says. ah moon. it is all just fitting.
splendid. i must say that i am dying for a rasp of jello smothered with hot chocolate. it is a cool night and autumn's breeze is under the galley while we fret as fretters for lost love and the moon frowns. alas we cannot have all. some of us have to wait forever and they won't ever find the treasure they've buried or the seed they've planted. although it is itching to grow it will be plantless as the fig tree was fruitless and it will be damned and cursed for just plainly existing.
you stand unhappily by the cliffs of crashing waves, melodious and untimely it calls you so you can jump, lapping up the heavens and you sigh a thousand sighs over your breakfast croissant with your coffee spilling over the stiff white linen of the sands of the beaches. you sit on a checkered mat draping yourself across the inlet and you dazzle everyone that sees you sprawled underneath the sun like a bronze coin ready to be picked up and you do not wait to be spent. but my goodness what a life of sadness. waiting for the figure in the setting sun horizon to come closer and closer until it's no longer just a silhouette but an embrace, a passionate kiss. until it's happiness you've found again. now, yes, tuck it away. keept it in the box. and make sure it is its own lock and key. make yourself at home. lock yourself in and imprison yourself in my heart.
did you forget or did you remember but just didn't care?
you are unreedemable.
Friday, September 9, 2005
"if you've got five real friends, you've lead a good life"
according to ralph waldo emerson, "it is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them". and i've got just that, old friends because i've known them for quite a while, and friends that i haven't known long but feel as if we are the oldest and dearest of friends. and mind you, i've had my share of "mel moments", infamously pegged as "stupid thing mel said/did #___".
but since the summer's coming to an end and school has begun, i felt the need to look back on the summer that just passed and reflect on it...as nerdy as that sounds. i must declare this summer as the bestest one so far. i must admit that it came to a rocky and doubtful beginning, but as the summer progressed it became better and better, and it became necessary to capture them all. in society's present standards (and i say this with much sarcasm), my friends and i must be boring and so loser-ish, as what we do when we get together has been called before.
but our methods of "partying it up" are quite different from those of our contemporaries. sure we get drunk and high, but au naturel. conversations on the ttc, walks to the center, cranium, phone conversations, sit down dinners, interesting and mind-boggling conversations, movie themed nights, late night movies, the perusing of chapters, starbucks runs, timmy's runs, seeing friends from school, to name a few, are just some of my summer's highlights. yes, i've stared out the window oftentimes and wish i was somewhere else, basking underneath another country's sun, but in an instant, it would fleet away. home is what you make of it, and my friends have become the intricate stitches that have kept me grounded and sane. one doesn't realize the importance of friendship once it's gone, but i'm glad i never had to go through that. i guess what really made this summer more special and the best ever was because i realized over and over again how empowering and beautiful true friendship is.
Saturday, September 3, 2005
that's enough.
some romantics are humans of contradiction. they know what they want and yet they want what they shouldn't. they know the truth but they choose to imagine and live in an illusory, fantasy world, where everything disappears in one touch, where love is a sugarcoated pill ready to poison whoever is stupid enough to swallow it, foolishly taking it as a panacea for their loneliness and sadness.
they are architects of castles in the air, chasing dreams that lead to the end of the cliff. in their minds they can transform just about anyone in the name of love, but in reality man cannot be induced to change- man only changes for himself. everywhere they go these visionaries constantly need validation, leading an existence so dependent on affection and praise.
ah, to be able to take the mind and just shake it around once and a while to get the idea of love right. back when we were children, when love was just a thing in movies. when love was although inexplicable, it was sure. when love was still something we couldn't wait to experience. when love was something you would only say before you go to bed to your parents. something you couldn't wait to say. but now it's something you'd like to take back, something you'd like to say but can't...it's something you'd like to give away again.
Friday, August 26, 2005
all aboard.
it must be the scenery passing by, the people walking in the streets, trying to figure out what they're thinking. it must be that girl in front of you, lighting up in pathological euphoria when she gets a call on her cell. it must be that guy beside you, looking out the window, so intense in his concentration- what or who could he be thinking of? it must be the couple just a few rows in the front- happy, having a serious conversation and once in a while the guy tweaks at the girl's nose. it must be that annoying exhibitionist in the back, going on and on with much gusto about how great his girlfriend is.
and so is the effect of the train...it makes you hate because you want what you don't and can't have. you come on board with no baggage at all, and you get off with a heavy ass one in your heart.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
wallmarkers and growth charts.
my parents were never really into marking how tall my siblings and i have gotten, because making marks on a wall was unthinkable. it was usually pants or shirts that were tell-tale signs that we were physically growing; they would be too tight or too short.
but that other kind of growing up, usually takes a bunch of tiny realizations or gatherings with people to see how "tall" you have become...or how stunted you are.
why such pensiveness? i guess it's because, apart from my siblings and high school friends, i've grown up with another set of family...the st. cinn girls. this afternoon we held our first ever st. cinn bbq/potluck at terri's house and as always, it was fun and with lots of maniacal laughter. but it was different from the other ones we've had since i felt, and im sure the other girls felt it too, a sense of an end.
it's awesome to think that it was because of this parttime job that we are all close like sisters, and that is why i came home feeling weirdly sad...we were all getting old and it is unstoppable- it has begun; we are all moving forward.i know that growth and change happen everyday, but it was so much more imminent and obvious tonight, what with one of us going off to university to live on her own, and another who's going to have her own classroom and reading corner. through their changes in their lives, it made me think of my own future-my excitement to have my own classroom as well and to have in my hands the tiny minds of the grown-ups of tomorrow. and to think that when i first came i was in gr 11: bumbly, stupid and clumsy with the buns, very much slow with the dishes, still wary of others, sort of foolish, not a lot of wisdom just yet, and still need to see a lot of the world- and by world i mean the awaiting experiences. so much have changed and a bit has remained the same: i am now quite an expert with the buns, i now hold, and at times begrudgingly, the key to the store and the responsibility to count cash, but still a bit stupid, a bit clumsy, and i could never have enough wisdom. as well, i have made some of the greatest friends i could ever have. despite the very rude customers and the gruelling clean up (haha), we saw each other through our highs and lows: getting into university and college, falling in love, break-ups, our successes and failures in school, and much more. we are a unique set: some crazier than others, some much more talkative, some quite violent (ahem belinda). we've had so many memorable moments. there was a lot of talking, blasting music, popcorn snacks, christmas dinners, birthday cards, racing to the back away from the penny lady, etc. and now, i'm saying good bye to one of the girls who trained me when i first came, and another to a girl that i've trained myself.
one by one we have begun the trek on our own stretch of road. we are in a sense growing taller, and unlike our growth spurt, this spiritual and interior growth will never stop. our wall markers and growth charts will keep surpassing, and although it's never easy to welcome change, the bond between us girls that grew stronger over the years, will definitely be hard to break.
i love you girls.
Friday, August 12, 2005
zit-ous compensation.
definiting zit-ous compensation:'zit E-&s "käm-p&n-'sA-sh&n
as a means of counteracting variation, some people stand on soap boxes, high up on their pedestals where they've proudly mounted themselves, with their noses high up, sniffing the air around them. they stand there pointing and punctuating, they cannot look in their own mirror of truth because they are afraid. because deep down, they see their own tangle of past and present mistakes.and seeing as they've dabbed that drop of foundation on their protuberant zit,they then resume to laugh at other people's faces.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
strange boy.
when we're done being stupid and quiet, maybe it can happen.
maybe if we grew up a bit, learned more and waited.
so many things that need to be said and kept quiet until they're ready to surface.
so much understanding, linked up, telepathic and weird.
eyes that lock and wish could rest that way.
echoing plangent melodies reverberating and are played over and over again...
each note memorized. we know how to sing it, but refuse to.
the cadence brings us forward, but each daring step does not pacify.
the volcano will errupt before we know it and it'll send out a host of fireworks into the sky,
we are hypnotized, enthralled, enchanted, spellbound.
it surges and quells simultaneously. x marks the spot.
and it is found.
Saturday, August 6, 2005
an aknowledgement.
it's funny how one time you're just tra-la-laing along and something hits you right in the gut, right in the heart and you just can't breathe. and a thousand memories of happiness and sadness swirl in your head, and they are inescapable. i cannot breathe. being the idiot i am, i was looking for pictures to post up in this stupid blog. my picture program or whatever it is, has a folder where it keeps all the pictures you've taken with the digital camera...they are samples, so even though you've deleted a picture, the program keeps a copy of it. and so with one half-witted click, there they were, pictures i thought i got rid of ages ago, searing me and branding me once again with the heartache that ive worked so hard to overcome.
they say that a picture says a thousand words. and if you glanced at these deceiving pictures quickly, you would see such happiness and yes, even love. i did not close the window though. i stared at the orphic pictures masochistically; mesmerized as well as mystified as to what went wrong. one will never know. one can never really tell that behind the smiles and the gleaming eyes were sadness and empty spaces that longed to be filled.
as i am writing this, i am getting the urge to get rid of them forever. but at the same time, a part of me is holding on. i cannot understand how the human mind and heart work, but i guess the thing (eloquently put haha) here is that we cannot completely let go of those who were such a big part of our lives, no matter how many times they've made us cry, sad or disappointed...because behind all that were the great times that later on i will have more strength to look back on. they are responsible for what we are now, for the greater strength in our character and will, for helping us realize that we are capable of love. i end this with...appreciation. a thank you. for i never really did. for although this will never be read by lui, i am sending this to the void. i am thankful for what i have learned so far. for every second of it. no regrets.
Thursday, August 4, 2005
i'll bite my tongue with you.
What can I say?I'll bite my tongue again today...-the ataris.bite my tongue.
it is not perfect. because i want more. the choking silence is poisonous...i long to be able to speak. but would a drop kill it? would it disspitate so quickly? or would it grow brighter just as it is inside?
but you are my superlative.
through the idea of you i've fashioned a fairytale and ive placed you on a pedestal. thats where id like to keep you but would you let me? do i dare tarnish the gold or would you engrave yourself upon it?
we create dialogues in our heads and fantasies that will never happen.
we unwittingly hurl ourselves into an ocean of disappointment, gashing our hearts and we bleed from heartache.
we are fools for unrequited love.
can we help but repeatedly make the same mistakes?
will it always remain an unbreakable cycle?
when do we stop being pelicans that shed their blood for the ones they love?
id like to learn how to detach myself, so that how it is now, i can happily, unpainfully, keep it that way.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
illusively and comfortably ensconced in a snowglobe.
Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red and white striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect on the top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, 'Don't worry, Susie; he has a nice life. He's trapped in a perfect world'. -The Lovely Bones, Alice Seebold
they were having a conversation about les hommes, and i was there busily and hurriedly getting myself ready for a fete celebrating my former's birthday. though it happened half a year ago, the moment would keep coming back- first in tiny little pinpricks here and there and later on in sporadic but big explosions in my head that would never let me forget and would constantly remind me. these are the key moments in your life- that unless you yield to it and do something about it, it will come back and haunt you. and it got me when i least expected it to.
my friends were sitting on the carpeted floor and i could hear them as i painstakingly plucked my eyebrows. "i would never ever settle""neither would i. it's just not right" and i quipped in that i wouldn't either.
oh but i did. this is not a personal affront or a subtle attack on lui, because i merely write to be able to be of use. i confess that i did settle. and i knew it in my heart and in my mind all along. we had our happy moments, but we fed on them as if they were just reserves with the sole purpose of only sustaining the relationship. we were running on low, like a car going on an empty tank. weren't thriving; we were as i dry as saguaro cactus. hehe enough with the comparisons, but despite all that i did want to work it out, and i know that i have given it my all, wanting to fix every broken step we trudged on.
thus i found myself situated in a snow globe: i have never felt so lonely in my life but at the same time i deluded myself into thinking that it is the perfect world, the world that i wanted.i was too much in love, and i know for a fact that how i felt was not and possibly never have been reciprocated. i guess what i'm trying to say is that we do not want to settle. because it clearly means that there is someone better out there. so why did i? why did i stay when i was evidently unhappy? for innummerable reasons; reasons that although could be coined stupid or immature by those cold, heartless souls (and even occassionaly by me, now that i think about it), are understandable ones for those who have been through the same thing as i have. the first one i can immediately think of is that i thought things will get better as we mature and get older. as well, if i left him i would be making the biggest mistake of my life, and that i would never be able to live without him. the latter i must say is pretty amusing now since i am clearly alive and kicking as i am writing this. the former, well let's just say that it's better for the both of us (although i do not like how it ended, but no break-up is ever great).
my friend asked me how i knew i settled. and i told her it was because i was pushing and forcing myself to stay. this is most definitely detrimental to ourselves and the way we will perceive relationships and most especially love. and this friend urged me on again, "but what else? how did you know?" honestly, all i can say is that you just know. inaccurate as my description is, i must say that once again it is that nagging feeling. tugging at your conscience, asking you, are you happy? is this the one? do you see yourself with this person years from now? (although there are many other questions but which i will not include here for i will never be able to finish this enry) and if you find yourself having a difficult time answering those questions but still with this person, then we may be possibly just using the relationship as a shield or a security blanket from our own selves- because we cannot deal with our failings and insecurities on our own, and that a partner is only someone who adds to our self-worth. those three questions i answered and they were very much in contradictory to each other. i thought this person was the one and whom i could see myself with years later, and at the same time i was being made unhappy by him. quite the oxymoron, isn't it? my idealism, fuelled by my love for dawson's creek and romance movies kept me from leaving as well. i wanted him to be my first and my last in everything. this is one of the reasons why i felt so crushed and brokenhearted because he had promised me the same thing too. but in the other, much brighter side, when we find this new person, it is a whole new set of "firsts". not everybody gets it right at the first try. and maybe by the second, we are much better at it, and ultimately much better people.
when we stay we see the ugly witch/bitch inside of us. we constantly fight, we want to bring down the world around us. we waste our time trying to fix and rebuild instead of progressing. we go nowhere. we walk aimlessly and blindly. i know because i found myself being mean towards others; bitter when couples were happy and "having it all" when things weren't going so great between us. i found myself craving for attention from him and comparing him to other people. in the end we were both unhappy and it wasn't fair to either of us. we should question ourselves all the time. hence, life becomes just as lonely as the smiling snowman, trapped in his seemingly perfect world, while everyone outside of him lived.
we are all deserving. we must love and give at no measure. a relationship is not just this "thing" that you take around for a ride, something that you carelessly throw away. it is not something that you brag having a lot of in the span of a month. people are in relationships for the wrong reasons: sex, the aforementioned security blanket, to cure the loneliness, and whatnot. it is no wonder that a lot of people lose faith in them, but goodness it is the most wonderful, most special thing, as long as it is based on love, which "is the only rational act". and, since it is, everything will fall in its proper place. a relationship shouldn't be treated lightly and by settling we would make the biggest joke out of it. in the loving words of the wise carrie bradshaw,"some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." sortez when you see there is something wrong with it. do not wait for two and a half years until a reason much worse than this emotionally crushes one of you. do not be a coward like me. or if you are, and as i have realized, then it is never ever too late to learn. do not live in that snow globe. do not give away your heart away just like that. for sooner or later it may turn you into plastic, or even worse, a cold, ceramic snowman.
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
a moment of elucidation.
a friend of mine gave me the idea of putting in inventory and into words what i have learned and how i have grown through this life-changing experience, lovingly called a break-up (its italicism conveys dripping, sweet sarcasm) that perhaps each one of us at some point in our short lives may have experienced. and so to please this friend and possibly elucidate a fellow blogger/reader who may one day stumble upon this weirdo of a blog, i write. i must warn you that i am not trying to lecture or to preach. you may be wondering why i am writing about something so personal. well guess what! it's my blog. thanks :D i speak merely from experience and with the intention of, as mentioned in title, to help make things lucid, brighter, for those who have been stuck in the dark for too long.a month and a few days ago, i guess i became a "statistic", and google is no longer just a research engine, but also the rapidly fraying rope that i clung on to with all my might, looking for every possible answer or remedy let's say, to ease the pain. ive typed every possible combination of "how to deal with a break-up" and felt totally embarrassed being caught at work with the aforementioned boolean term flashing brightly in the monitor. this embarrassment i felt is normal, but one thing i learned, and i also quote from my all time favorite movie, sabrina, that "loneliness is the only way to start", and that we shouldn't be embarrassed by it. we've gotten so used to "silencing the silence" by listening to music on the train, in the bus, or fiddling with the cellphone (believe me i've seen so many teeny weenies whip out their cell phones once they get on the bus-either to talk, text or just play with the ringer). we don't like looking alone. but just because we are alone does not mean we are lonely. there is a big difference there, and it took me a while to realize that. because it is when we are alone that we can think through things, learn more about ourselves, and most importantly even talk to God. and i do not talk about the "hallelujah, praise the lord!" kind of talk, but the kind of conversation you would have with your closest and bestest friend.
it is hellishly difficult to get through a break up. this is not the first time i've experienced this, but put in an analogical perspective, the first one was just a drizzle, while the other, more recent one is more like a tornado. more tears were shed and the wound is much bigger and much more difficult to heal. of course it takes time, it takes herculean effort from yourself. even though i knew all this i found myself falling deep in "dark moments" as i call them, and it became increasingly harder to climb out. i would have my good days when i wouldn't even think about it and forgetting it is easier, as if nothing had happened. but one thing i learned is that i shouldn't try to forget, because we are made of these experiences. and when we are given these obstacles, we have to rise up to them and jump over them and not cower away like a coward. i must say that i was that coward, but im sure there is a lot of us cowards out there. but it is our growing resilience and determination that will help us make do with what we have and create or improve on what we are given. thus, i was handed a plate of well, something not so good like vegetables or raw tomatoes, and am still in the middle of eating it all up but i know that it will pay off later on when i'm old and graying...it is all for the best, no matter how cliched that sounds.
i am writing this because i see more clearly everyday that things happen for a reason...a really close and wise friend of mine sent me a story that she thought would help me surface from it all. how she found it i don't know, but if the person hadn't written this story and posted it up, then where would we be both right now? it obviously helped her and it has definitely helped me see things and even punctuate the one thing that i really need, and that is faith in God.
i've questioned God so many times...even though i knew that this thing was going nowhere. i realized that my happiness, my day, my everything depended on this person, and that is wrong. because, i quote my wise friend, we have to be happy on our own. we have to be our own sundae, our own cake. a partner, or whatever you may call it, is just the cherry, the fudge or the icing. we have to be happy to begin with. having more faith in God which may be by possibly going to church more often, praying and being a nicer person will help you find that peace and that happiness. it certainly helped me a lot. everyday i learn more and more that this suffering is preparation for something greater, something better. however i must confess that admittance to this and living it was hard to achieve in the beginning, but as i've said before, loving God and being closer to him is the only way. the story also talked about comprising God and putting myself and whatever i want first before what God wanted. sadly a lot of us compromiise God, but it is, again in getting up right away after falling that redeems us.
i think a break up could be seen as a pair of new prescriptioned glasses because it helps us focus on ourselves more and lets us see what or who is real, and who really love us (although we do not need reminding, but sometimes we forget that there are people, besides our former person, that love us). you rediscover the importance of family; i know i have. the saying that a girl's best friend is her mother is true indeed, because she loves you unconditionally and sees you as the amazing person you are (a father can also be your best friend don't forget that haha). definitely surround yourselves with friends, but at the same time do not depend on them for your survival. not only do you have to learn how to stand on your own feet, but also because they can only take so much. before having a relationship, maintain your friends because nobody likes a user. do not all of a sudden hang out with this one friend just because you no longer have a boy/girl friend. that is just wrong.
another essential part to this learning trek is myself. i had to learn how to love myself all over again. just as me and not as me and ____. find your inner strength, and as bridget jones calls it, "inner poise". cry as much as you need but you will one day just stop altogether, or have a "dry" period. you may have a few more afterwards but they get less and less frequent as the days go by. do not give into insecurites and self-consciousness. i know i have, and i believe it's normal, but you have to learn, i had to learn that i am my own person, that there is no such thing as better, worse, etc...we must not compare. time is another important thing. do not try to speed things up as i tried in the beginning with my infamous google searches. even though some people have calculations about the healing period, like giving yourself one month for every two months you've been with this person to get over him/her, this calculation is ridiculous. it all depends on you. period. it may take you a longer time or shorter period of time. the strength of your feelings and the length of the relationship may most definitely come into play, but you dictate your own time. know yourself. know what puts you in the most vulnerable position and what helps you be stronger. find that inner ice queen (again from bridget jones).
one thing you have to remember though is that just like in a math test, we can forget our formulas. i still forget all those things i've learned. but it is just a matter of looking over them again and reviewing your study notes. talk to your friends, print out their emails with so much words of wisdom and read them over again. up to now, the pain is still there. perfectly normal. but now i know so much more, and i feel much wiser and safer. these things you cannot learn through self-help books alone. unfortunately or even fortunately we have to play an actual role in them in order to learn it. according to c.s lewis, "experience [is] that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn". and all i can say is amen to that.
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