Tuesday, July 5, 2005

a moment of elucidation.

a friend of mine gave me the idea of putting in inventory and into words what i have learned and how i have grown through this life-changing experience, lovingly called a break-up (its italicism conveys dripping, sweet sarcasm) that perhaps each one of us at some point in our short lives may have experienced. and so to please this friend and possibly elucidate a fellow blogger/reader who may one day stumble upon this weirdo of a blog, i write. i must warn you that i am not trying to lecture or to preach. you may be wondering why i am writing about something so personal. well guess what! it's my blog. thanks :D i speak merely from experience and with the intention of, as mentioned in title, to help make things lucid, brighter, for those who have been stuck in the dark for too long.a month and a few days ago, i guess i became a "statistic", and google is no longer just a research engine, but also the rapidly fraying rope that i clung on to with all my might, looking for every possible answer or remedy let's say, to ease the pain. ive typed every possible combination of "how to deal with a break-up" and felt totally embarrassed being caught at work with the aforementioned boolean term flashing brightly in the monitor. this embarrassment i felt is normal, but one thing i learned, and i also quote from my all time favorite movie, sabrina, that "loneliness is the only way to start", and that we shouldn't be embarrassed by it. we've gotten so used to "silencing the silence" by listening to music on the train, in the bus, or fiddling with the cellphone (believe me i've seen so many teeny weenies whip out their cell phones once they get on the bus-either to talk, text or just play with the ringer). we don't like looking alone. but just because we are alone does not mean we are lonely. there is a big difference there, and it took me a while to realize that. because it is when we are alone that we can think through things, learn more about ourselves, and most importantly even talk to God. and i do not talk about the "hallelujah, praise the lord!" kind of talk, but the kind of conversation you would have with your closest and bestest friend.
it is hellishly difficult to get through a break up. this is not the first time i've experienced this, but put in an analogical perspective, the first one was just a drizzle, while the other, more recent one is more like a tornado. more tears were shed and the wound is much bigger and much more difficult to heal. of course it takes time, it takes herculean effort from yourself. even though i knew all this i found myself falling deep in "dark moments" as i call them, and it became increasingly harder to climb out. i would have my good days when i wouldn't even think about it and forgetting it is easier, as if nothing had happened. but one thing i learned is that i shouldn't try to forget, because we are made of these experiences. and when we are given these obstacles, we have to rise up to them and jump over them and not cower away like a coward. i must say that i was that coward, but im sure there is a lot of us cowards out there. but it is our growing resilience and determination that will help us make do with what we have and create or improve on what we are given. thus, i was handed a plate of well, something not so good like vegetables or raw tomatoes, and am still in the middle of eating it all up but i know that it will pay off later on when i'm old and graying...it is all for the best, no matter how cliched that sounds.
i am writing this because i see more clearly everyday that things happen for a reason...a really close and wise friend of mine sent me a story that she thought would help me surface from it all. how she found it i don't know, but if the person hadn't written this story and posted it up, then where would we be both right now? it obviously helped her and it has definitely helped me see things and even punctuate the one thing that i really need, and that is faith in God.
i've questioned God so many times...even though i knew that this thing was going nowhere. i realized that my happiness, my day, my everything depended on this person, and that is wrong. because, i quote my wise friend, we have to be happy on our own. we have to be our own sundae, our own cake. a partner, or whatever you may call it, is just the cherry, the fudge or the icing. we have to be happy to begin with. having more faith in God which may be by possibly going to church more often, praying and being a nicer person will help you find that peace and that happiness. it certainly helped me a lot. everyday i learn more and more that this suffering is preparation for something greater, something better. however i must confess that admittance to this and living it was hard to achieve in the beginning, but as i've said before, loving God and being closer to him is the only way. the story also talked about comprising God and putting myself and whatever i want first before what God wanted. sadly a lot of us compromiise God, but it is, again in getting up right away after falling that redeems us.
i think a break up could be seen as a pair of new prescriptioned glasses because it helps us focus on ourselves more and lets us see what or who is real, and who really love us (although we do not need reminding, but sometimes we forget that there are people, besides our former person, that love us). you rediscover the importance of family; i know i have. the saying that a girl's best friend is her mother is true indeed, because she loves you unconditionally and sees you as the amazing person you are (a father can also be your best friend don't forget that haha). definitely surround yourselves with friends, but at the same time do not depend on them for your survival. not only do you have to learn how to stand on your own feet, but also because they can only take so much. before having a relationship, maintain your friends because nobody likes a user. do not all of a sudden hang out with this one friend just because you no longer have a boy/girl friend. that is just wrong.
another essential part to this learning trek is myself. i had to learn how to love myself all over again. just as me and not as me and ____. find your inner strength, and as bridget jones calls it, "inner poise". cry as much as you need but you will one day just stop altogether, or have a "dry" period. you may have a few more afterwards but they get less and less frequent as the days go by. do not give into insecurites and self-consciousness. i know i have, and i believe it's normal, but you have to learn, i had to learn that i am my own person, that there is no such thing as better, worse, etc...we must not compare. time is another important thing. do not try to speed things up as i tried in the beginning with my infamous google searches. even though some people have calculations about the healing period, like giving yourself one month for every two months you've been with this person to get over him/her, this calculation is ridiculous. it all depends on you. period. it may take you a longer time or shorter period of time. the strength of your feelings and the length of the relationship may most definitely come into play, but you dictate your own time. know yourself. know what puts you in the most vulnerable position and what helps you be stronger. find that inner ice queen (again from bridget jones).
one thing you have to remember though is that just like in a math test, we can forget our formulas. i still forget all those things i've learned. but it is just a matter of looking over them again and reviewing your study notes. talk to your friends, print out their emails with so much words of wisdom and read them over again. up to now, the pain is still there. perfectly normal. but now i know so much more, and i feel much wiser and safer. these things you cannot learn through self-help books alone. unfortunately or even fortunately we have to play an actual role in them in order to learn it. according to c.s lewis, "experience [is] that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn". and all i can say is amen to that.

1 comment:

Aileen said...


Never let me hear you say again that you are not of the wise... this entry puts you on par with the oldest, wisest, and longest-bearded of them :P