Tuesday, July 12, 2005

illusively and comfortably ensconced in a snowglobe.

Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red and white striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect on the top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, 'Don't worry, Susie; he has a nice life. He's trapped in a perfect world'. -The Lovely Bones, Alice Seebold

they were having a conversation about les hommes, and i was there busily and hurriedly getting myself ready for a fete celebrating my former's birthday. though it happened half a year ago, the moment would keep coming back- first in tiny little pinpricks here and there and later on in sporadic but big explosions in my head that would never let me forget and would constantly remind me. these are the key moments in your life- that unless you yield to it and do something about it, it will come back and haunt you. and it got me when i least expected it to.
my friends were sitting on the carpeted floor and i could hear them as i painstakingly plucked my eyebrows. "i would never ever settle""neither would i. it's just not right" and i quipped in that i wouldn't either.
oh but i did. this is not a personal affront or a subtle attack on lui, because i merely write to be able to be of use. i confess that i did settle. and i knew it in my heart and in my mind all along. we had our happy moments, but we fed on them as if they were just reserves with the sole purpose of only sustaining the relationship. we were running on low, like a car going on an empty tank. weren't thriving; we were as i dry as saguaro cactus. hehe enough with the comparisons, but despite all that i did want to work it out, and i know that i have given it my all, wanting to fix every broken step we trudged on.
thus i found myself situated in a snow globe: i have never felt so lonely in my life but at the same time i deluded myself into thinking that it is the perfect world, the world that i wanted.i was too much in love, and i know for a fact that how i felt was not and possibly never have been reciprocated. i guess what i'm trying to say is that we do not want to settle. because it clearly means that there is someone better out there. so why did i? why did i stay when i was evidently unhappy? for innummerable reasons; reasons that although could be coined stupid or immature by those cold, heartless souls (and even occassionaly by me, now that i think about it), are understandable ones for those who have been through the same thing as i have. the first one i can immediately think of is that i thought things will get better as we mature and get older. as well, if i left him i would be making the biggest mistake of my life, and that i would never be able to live without him. the latter i must say is pretty amusing now since i am clearly alive and kicking as i am writing this. the former, well let's just say that it's better for the both of us (although i do not like how it ended, but no break-up is ever great).
my friend asked me how i knew i settled. and i told her it was because i was pushing and forcing myself to stay. this is most definitely detrimental to ourselves and the way we will perceive relationships and most especially love. and this friend urged me on again, "but what else? how did you know?" honestly, all i can say is that you just know. inaccurate as my description is, i must say that once again it is that nagging feeling. tugging at your conscience, asking you, are you happy? is this the one? do you see yourself with this person years from now? (although there are many other questions but which i will not include here for i will never be able to finish this enry) and if you find yourself having a difficult time answering those questions but still with this person, then we may be possibly just using the relationship as a shield or a security blanket from our own selves- because we cannot deal with our failings and insecurities on our own, and that a partner is only someone who adds to our self-worth. those three questions i answered and they were very much in contradictory to each other. i thought this person was the one and whom i could see myself with years later, and at the same time i was being made unhappy by him. quite the oxymoron, isn't it? my idealism, fuelled by my love for dawson's creek and romance movies kept me from leaving as well. i wanted him to be my first and my last in everything. this is one of the reasons why i felt so crushed and brokenhearted because he had promised me the same thing too. but in the other, much brighter side, when we find this new person, it is a whole new set of "firsts". not everybody gets it right at the first try. and maybe by the second, we are much better at it, and ultimately much better people.
when we stay we see the ugly witch/bitch inside of us. we constantly fight, we want to bring down the world around us. we waste our time trying to fix and rebuild instead of progressing. we go nowhere. we walk aimlessly and blindly. i know because i found myself being mean towards others; bitter when couples were happy and "having it all" when things weren't going so great between us. i found myself craving for attention from him and comparing him to other people. in the end we were both unhappy and it wasn't fair to either of us. we should question ourselves all the time. hence, life becomes just as lonely as the smiling snowman, trapped in his seemingly perfect world, while everyone outside of him lived.
we are all deserving. we must love and give at no measure. a relationship is not just this "thing" that you take around for a ride, something that you carelessly throw away. it is not something that you brag having a lot of in the span of a month. people are in relationships for the wrong reasons: sex, the aforementioned security blanket, to cure the loneliness, and whatnot. it is no wonder that a lot of people lose faith in them, but goodness it is the most wonderful, most special thing, as long as it is based on love, which "is the only rational act". and, since it is, everything will fall in its proper place. a relationship shouldn't be treated lightly and by settling we would make the biggest joke out of it. in the loving words of the wise carrie bradshaw,"some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." sortez when you see there is something wrong with it. do not wait for two and a half years until a reason much worse than this emotionally crushes one of you. do not be a coward like me. or if you are, and as i have realized, then it is never ever too late to learn. do not live in that snow globe. do not give away your heart away just like that. for sooner or later it may turn you into plastic, or even worse, a cold, ceramic snowman.

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