Saturday, August 6, 2005

an aknowledgement.

it's funny how one time you're just tra-la-laing along and something hits you right in the gut, right in the heart and you just can't breathe. and a thousand memories of happiness and sadness swirl in your head, and they are inescapable. i cannot breathe. being the idiot i am, i was looking for pictures to post up in this stupid blog. my picture program or whatever it is, has a folder where it keeps all the pictures you've taken with the digital camera...they are samples, so even though you've deleted a picture, the program keeps a copy of it. and so with one half-witted click, there they were, pictures i thought i got rid of ages ago, searing me and branding me once again with the heartache that ive worked so hard to overcome.
they say that a picture says a thousand words. and if you glanced at these deceiving pictures quickly, you would see such happiness and yes, even love. i did not close the window though. i stared at the orphic pictures masochistically; mesmerized as well as mystified as to what went wrong. one will never know. one can never really tell that behind the smiles and the gleaming eyes were sadness and empty spaces that longed to be filled.
as i am writing this, i am getting the urge to get rid of them forever. but at the same time, a part of me is holding on. i cannot understand how the human mind and heart work, but i guess the thing (eloquently put haha) here is that we cannot completely let go of those who were such a big part of our lives, no matter how many times they've made us cry, sad or disappointed...because behind all that were the great times that later on i will have more strength to look back on. they are responsible for what we are now, for the greater strength in our character and will, for helping us realize that we are capable of love. i end this with...appreciation. a thank you. for i never really did. for although this will never be read by lui, i am sending this to the void. i am thankful for what i have learned so far. for every second of it. no regrets.

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