it must be the scenery passing by, the people walking in the streets, trying to figure out what they're thinking. it must be that girl in front of you, lighting up in pathological euphoria when she gets a call on her cell. it must be that guy beside you, looking out the window, so intense in his concentration- what or who could he be thinking of? it must be the couple just a few rows in the front- happy, having a serious conversation and once in a while the guy tweaks at the girl's nose. it must be that annoying exhibitionist in the back, going on and on with much gusto about how great his girlfriend is.
and so is the effect of the train...it makes you hate because you want what you don't and can't have. you come on board with no baggage at all, and you get off with a heavy ass one in your heart.
Friday, August 26, 2005
all aboard.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
wallmarkers and growth charts.
my parents were never really into marking how tall my siblings and i have gotten, because making marks on a wall was unthinkable. it was usually pants or shirts that were tell-tale signs that we were physically growing; they would be too tight or too short.
but that other kind of growing up, usually takes a bunch of tiny realizations or gatherings with people to see how "tall" you have become...or how stunted you are.
why such pensiveness? i guess it's because, apart from my siblings and high school friends, i've grown up with another set of family...the st. cinn girls. this afternoon we held our first ever st. cinn bbq/potluck at terri's house and as always, it was fun and with lots of maniacal laughter. but it was different from the other ones we've had since i felt, and im sure the other girls felt it too, a sense of an end.
it's awesome to think that it was because of this parttime job that we are all close like sisters, and that is why i came home feeling weirdly sad...we were all getting old and it is unstoppable- it has begun; we are all moving forward.i know that growth and change happen everyday, but it was so much more imminent and obvious tonight, what with one of us going off to university to live on her own, and another who's going to have her own classroom and reading corner. through their changes in their lives, it made me think of my own future-my excitement to have my own classroom as well and to have in my hands the tiny minds of the grown-ups of tomorrow. and to think that when i first came i was in gr 11: bumbly, stupid and clumsy with the buns, very much slow with the dishes, still wary of others, sort of foolish, not a lot of wisdom just yet, and still need to see a lot of the world- and by world i mean the awaiting experiences. so much have changed and a bit has remained the same: i am now quite an expert with the buns, i now hold, and at times begrudgingly, the key to the store and the responsibility to count cash, but still a bit stupid, a bit clumsy, and i could never have enough wisdom. as well, i have made some of the greatest friends i could ever have. despite the very rude customers and the gruelling clean up (haha), we saw each other through our highs and lows: getting into university and college, falling in love, break-ups, our successes and failures in school, and much more. we are a unique set: some crazier than others, some much more talkative, some quite violent (ahem belinda). we've had so many memorable moments. there was a lot of talking, blasting music, popcorn snacks, christmas dinners, birthday cards, racing to the back away from the penny lady, etc. and now, i'm saying good bye to one of the girls who trained me when i first came, and another to a girl that i've trained myself.
one by one we have begun the trek on our own stretch of road. we are in a sense growing taller, and unlike our growth spurt, this spiritual and interior growth will never stop. our wall markers and growth charts will keep surpassing, and although it's never easy to welcome change, the bond between us girls that grew stronger over the years, will definitely be hard to break.
i love you girls.
Friday, August 12, 2005
zit-ous compensation.
definiting zit-ous compensation:'zit E-&s "käm-p&n-'sA-sh&n
as a means of counteracting variation, some people stand on soap boxes, high up on their pedestals where they've proudly mounted themselves, with their noses high up, sniffing the air around them. they stand there pointing and punctuating, they cannot look in their own mirror of truth because they are afraid. because deep down, they see their own tangle of past and present mistakes.and seeing as they've dabbed that drop of foundation on their protuberant zit,they then resume to laugh at other people's faces.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
strange boy.
when we're done being stupid and quiet, maybe it can happen.
maybe if we grew up a bit, learned more and waited.
so many things that need to be said and kept quiet until they're ready to surface.
so much understanding, linked up, telepathic and weird.
eyes that lock and wish could rest that way.
echoing plangent melodies reverberating and are played over and over again...
each note memorized. we know how to sing it, but refuse to.
the cadence brings us forward, but each daring step does not pacify.
the volcano will errupt before we know it and it'll send out a host of fireworks into the sky,
we are hypnotized, enthralled, enchanted, spellbound.
it surges and quells simultaneously. x marks the spot.
and it is found.
Saturday, August 6, 2005
an aknowledgement.
it's funny how one time you're just tra-la-laing along and something hits you right in the gut, right in the heart and you just can't breathe. and a thousand memories of happiness and sadness swirl in your head, and they are inescapable. i cannot breathe. being the idiot i am, i was looking for pictures to post up in this stupid blog. my picture program or whatever it is, has a folder where it keeps all the pictures you've taken with the digital camera...they are samples, so even though you've deleted a picture, the program keeps a copy of it. and so with one half-witted click, there they were, pictures i thought i got rid of ages ago, searing me and branding me once again with the heartache that ive worked so hard to overcome.
they say that a picture says a thousand words. and if you glanced at these deceiving pictures quickly, you would see such happiness and yes, even love. i did not close the window though. i stared at the orphic pictures masochistically; mesmerized as well as mystified as to what went wrong. one will never know. one can never really tell that behind the smiles and the gleaming eyes were sadness and empty spaces that longed to be filled.
as i am writing this, i am getting the urge to get rid of them forever. but at the same time, a part of me is holding on. i cannot understand how the human mind and heart work, but i guess the thing (eloquently put haha) here is that we cannot completely let go of those who were such a big part of our lives, no matter how many times they've made us cry, sad or disappointed...because behind all that were the great times that later on i will have more strength to look back on. they are responsible for what we are now, for the greater strength in our character and will, for helping us realize that we are capable of love. i end this with...appreciation. a thank you. for i never really did. for although this will never be read by lui, i am sending this to the void. i am thankful for what i have learned so far. for every second of it. no regrets.
Thursday, August 4, 2005
i'll bite my tongue with you.
What can I say?I'll bite my tongue again today...-the ataris.bite my tongue.
it is not perfect. because i want more. the choking silence is poisonous...i long to be able to speak. but would a drop kill it? would it disspitate so quickly? or would it grow brighter just as it is inside?
but you are my superlative.
through the idea of you i've fashioned a fairytale and ive placed you on a pedestal. thats where id like to keep you but would you let me? do i dare tarnish the gold or would you engrave yourself upon it?
we create dialogues in our heads and fantasies that will never happen.
we unwittingly hurl ourselves into an ocean of disappointment, gashing our hearts and we bleed from heartache.
we are fools for unrequited love.
can we help but repeatedly make the same mistakes?
will it always remain an unbreakable cycle?
when do we stop being pelicans that shed their blood for the ones they love?
id like to learn how to detach myself, so that how it is now, i can happily, unpainfully, keep it that way.
